12-year-old Fiend Responsible for 50% of Missouri's Unrecognized Saints

18 JAN 2011


     A research committee was launched last October to explore causal factors in unrecognized sainthood, otherwise known as "little s saints."  Missouri researchers were able to narrow down a kind of ripple effect that appeared to be emanating from the dead center of the state; further research revealed the frequency of the waves increased exponentially between two locations: a St. Louis Catholic school, and a suburban home less than five miles away.

     "It seems we have actually narrowed down the causal factors of unrecognized sainthood to a single prepubescent child," said researcher Harold Greenspan.  "Casey Jones, also known as 'The Terror,' 'That Boy,' or, simply, 'Him.'"

Concentric circles of sainthood focus around Jones' home, school 

     Interviews with schoolteachers confirmed researchers' suspicions.  "I make it through five decades [of the rosary] on any given day I teach him," said Mrs. Albright, a kindly lady of 63.  "I always think 'maybe I just need a few Hail Mary's today,' because I try to stay optimistic.

     "And then he walks through the door."

     Jones has been to the principal's office no less than 32 times, for offenses ranging from cursing out teachers, putting gum in Susie Goldberg's hair, pulling the fire alarm on 9 different occasions, and actually trying to light the school on fire using only a magnifying glass.  He had a small pile of leaves successfully ignited out back before Anthony Stein tattle-taled.

     "The boy just needs some caring direction," said Principal Kurt Walker calmly, whose application for professorship at Duke Divinity, which took weeks to complete, was drowned in the Missouri River.  "You never know the whole story on these things.  St. Augustine stole pears in his youth, just as Mr. Jones steals hopes and dreams.  Perhaps with some time and prayer Casey Jones, too, will become a Doctor of the Church."

     Dozens of Missouri residents have reported offering up their Jones-related sufferings, usually at the behest of his tearful mother.  Hugo "Huge-O Fat Boy" Rosa reports 165 instances of verbal abuse where he prayed, repeatedly,  "May God have mercy on his soul."  Sister Helen-Marie, whose class songbird was fed to Jones' cat, spent an extra 20 hours per week in Adoration for the remainder of the year. 

     "It appears that the small fiend is actually responsible for many in Missouri finding their path to sainthood," said researcher Greenspan.

     "It is possible that, in bringing so many souls in union with Christ in sainthood, Mr. Jones may himself be up for canonization one day."

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93% of Youth Ministers Can Bilocate, New Study Finds

16 JAN 2011

Youth minister simultaneously attends benefit dinner, plays retreat hide-and-seek

     A nonpartisan study on youth ministers' wages and workload was recently released to Economy Today.  What the study found was unprecedented.

     "We actually learned that 93% of youth ministers have multi-tasked to such an extent that they have actually exceeded the speed of light barrier and managed to actually be two places at once," said Bob Richards of the Edith Stein Institute for Independent Research.

     Bilocation, the ability to be in two places at once, has reported occurrences in the lives of saints such as Padre Pio, St. Anthony of Padua, and St. Ambrose of Milan.  It is considered an extremely rare gift of the spirit granted only to the most longsuffering and charismatic souls.

     "Well, the old saints never had to deal with a room full of 100 high schoolers, another room full of 200 parents, Confirmation classes, and a retreat planning committee all scheduled in the same hour," said one youth minister, who declined to be named.

     The trend was first discovered while one researcher was chatting with a group of 10th graders pursuing Confirmation.  They commented on a very hilarious skit put on by one Mr. Gordon, their youth minister, at 7pm the Sunday night before. The researcher suddenly realized that he had been speaking to some parishioners earlier that day who commented on Mr. Gordon's "unbelievably delicious" chocolate chip brownies he brought to the parish council meeting, also scheduled at 7pm that Sunday.  The researcher asked around and found that parishioners consistently reported that the youth minister was in two places at once throughout the entire day.

     "I kept wondering why he looked so exhausted," said Julie Smith, wife of Theodore "Tedster" Smith, youth minister at Holy Trinity parish.  "He would go to bed at 9PM sharp and wake up 9 hours later looking like he hadn't slept a wink."

     Turned out, Mr. Smith hadn't slept a wink.  While sleeping, he was actually still in the parish office, poring over details of an upcoming high school retreat.

     "Once we knew what we were looking for, we found the trend was endemic," said Richards.  "We conducted a close analysis of 500 different youth ministers and found that 465 of them had been reported being in two places at once."

     "We have been aware of the excessively high rate of bilocation among youth ministers for several years," says one top Vatican official.  "We kept it quiet to make sure individuals were seeking a career in ministry for the sake of God's plan, and not for the prestige of sainthood."

     When calculating bilocation into the hours put into an average workweek, the 60 hour workweek doubles to 120 hours. The average youth minister makes around $30,000 per year.

     This works out to about $4.81 per hour.

Pope John Paul II Still The Anti-Christ, Evangelical Right Insists

15 JAN 2011

     Faith groups have been buzzing since Pope Benedict XVI's announcement yesterday that Pope John Paul II will be beatified, the last step before sainthood, this May.

     Despite his passing five years ago, the Evangelical Right continues their 3-decade-long tradition of insisting that he is the Anti-Christ.

     "I don't care what you say, he's still the Anti-Christ," said John White, 40, of West Virginia.  "I believed it for 33 years and I ain't gonna stop believin now.  Just because he's dead don't mean nothing.  He still said Buddhists and Gandhi and Muslims and Jews could maybe get to heaven, and that has 'Anti-Christ' written all over it. It's just like Left Behind.

     "1 John chapter 4 verses 2 to 3," he added, which identifies the anti-Christ as one who does not acknowledge Jesus as God in Flesh.

     This Catholic Onion reporter pointed out that Pope John Paul II pushed for perpetual adoration of the Eucharist, which is believed to be God enfleshed in Christ's Presence, in every Catholic parish in the world.

     Moreover, three verses after White's citation it reads, "Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God, but everyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love," which embodies Pope John Paul II's theology.

      "You just wait," said White's wife, Betty Jo, changing the subject.  "In 2012 the world's gonna end and that False Prophet is gonna be standing right next to Satan and the Muslims and the Catholics. It's just like Pat Robertson told them Catholic Haitians after that earthquake - they deserved it 'cuz they made a pact with the devil. Catholics and Muslims make pacts with the devil, and they made pacts with the pope, so that obviously means the pope is the devil."

     The announcement of Pope John Paul II's beatification followed the verified miraculous healing of Sister Marie-Simon-Pierre of Parkinsons Disease after she prayed for his intercession. The nun prayed for healing after four years of suffering, and awoke the following morning with all signs of the disease gone.

     "Even demons can heal people, Mark chapter 3 verse 22," said Gary, John's brother, citing when Pharisees accused Jesus of healing with the power of Satan.  "Could be he just pretended to die and now he's using his witchcraft.  Anyway, who even says this lady was healed?  Doctors with their un-Christian science?  I know one thing for sure, if the Catholic Church says it's true you know Satan's behind it. He's the Anti-Christ for sure, and this beety-cation proves it.

     "Robertson episode 113 line 52."

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LATEST REPORTS: 2011 MARCH FOR LIFE HAD ONLY TWELVE ATTENDEES

13 JAN 2011

Participants in the March for Life cleverly disguised as tourists

     Various media outlets scrambled to be the first to publish the latest news on this year's anti-abortion rally in Washington, DC.  They were shocked to find that this year's rally had only twelve attendees.

     "We were really sitting on the edge of our seats [to find out the story on the March for Life]," said one intern at the New York Times.  "Sure, it came up in the last 30 seconds of our staff meeting, but it was really a great way to end on a suspenseful note.  It was like the end of a comic book.  I could just tell from my supervisor's raised eyebrows that he was really enthralled.  Our editor's eyeballs even went heavenward in a fit of transcendence. They said that I was such an exemplary intern that I could personally cover the story, so I called our DC location right away.

     "I was really bummed to learn that only twelve people attended."

     The Washington Post was similarly enthusiastic, said a source from the newspaper's On Faith section, who declined to be named.   "We wanted to beat the Times at covering the story, so as soon as I saw the tweet from nytimes last night I wanted to make sure the story hit the press in time for this morning's publication." 

     When this Catholic Onion reporter expressed surprise that an article on the controversial pro-life march could be approved by an editor so quickly, the source countered:

    "They're nice to us in [the On Faith division]. Last year our editors might've published the March for Life story right after an article on inscribing weapons with quotes from the Bible, but once the Chief asked us to polish 'Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand Attendees' down to 'Thousands' and end with a quote by President Obama we were pretty much allowed to be balanced.

     "And anyway, when he saw the numbers on this one, there was no problem."

     The Washington Post and New York Times remain to be informed that the March for Life is scheduled ten days from now.

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