Monday, February 14, 2011

Victoria's Secret Researches St. Valentine, Demands New Name for Holiday

     Last month, Victoria's Secret embarked on a hot new ad campaign to gear up for the annual bra blowout sale near Valentine's Day, focusing on "spicing up" Valentine herself to really capture the spirit of the day.  They were scandalized to learn not only that Valentine was a saint and martyr, but was also a priest.

     This morning, they filed a lawsuit to change the holiday's name.
The puzzling namesake of Valentine's Day
     "We are deeply disappointed in how fully the name "Valentine's Day" misses the spirit of the holiday," said one Victoria's Secret spokesperson. "What in the world does a saint have to do with our new Love Me Sexy line?  Seventeen hundred years of history have clearly missed the point of what it means to love somebody, which must have at least something to do with a Victoria's Angel pin-up or a 40-year-old's desire to appear 19.

     "It's clearly time to give Valentine's Day a more accurate name."

     St. Valentine, who was martyred in the 3rd century for marrying Christian couples who were being persecuted under Claudius Gothicus in Rome, became associated with the sacrament of marriage that evolved into Chaucer's association of Valentine's Day with stories of love.  This deeply puzzled the Victoria's Secret corporation, who clamored to find a way to make St. Valentine's story somehow fit with the Love Push-Up Collection. 

     "We are totally at a loss," said graphic designer Dennis Holloway.  "How is it that no one realized how off-base the name of this holiday is?  We were ready to find out that Valentine wasn't all that pretty, or even that she was a pudgy naked baby angel - anything but this.  This is something you can't airbrush away."

     Although Victoria's Secret efforts have galvanized the American public, the small factions of resistant Catholics tried to stay optimistic. "At least they actually did some research," said Joe Brown of Catholic University.  "I was sure that like St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, and the word "break-fast," corporate America had completely stripped St. Valentine's Day of its Catholic heritage... if people are angry, at least they're talking."

     Victoria's Secret released a list of suggestions for new names, including "Day of Lingerie," "Love Me Day" and, their favored pick, "Heidi Klum's Day."