Friday, June 17, 2011

Screaming Baby in Mass Has Lungs Twice the Size of Normal Earthling

17 June 2011

      Medical experts confirmed today what members of St. Francis Xavier parish in Purcellville, VA, have long suspected: the unidentified child of the woman who sits three rows from the back at the 11 AM Mass has lungs approximately the size of that of a 40-year-old Vancouver Canucks fan.

       "It's remarkable, really," commented Dr. Ross Goodwin, gazing at the X-Rays.  "These lungs, combined with the child's unusually tenuous vocal cords, have prepared this human being at one year to be heard from a half mile away."

       The child, whom Fr. Yaszick describes as possessing "impeccable timing", systematically bursts into animalistic howls at the most reverent points in the Mass.  "He usually starts just as we enter into silent prayer after the consecration," noted Deacon Frank Palvone.  "Although sometimes he prefers to aim for the highlight of the best sermons or, once, began immediately before the "Gloria" so that the whole choir was thrown off key for the entire song."

       "Really, I'm more impressed than anything," he added.

       The mother could not be reached for comment. As of press time, she had still not made arrangements to use the parish's donation-only day care service.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Priest Leaves Mass Early To Get Whole Doughnut, Beat Traffic

24 MAY 2011

The blogosphere has been buzzing the past few days over the unprecedented decision of a Chicago-area priest that some say marks the shifting of a cultural tide. After years of watching the mass exodus of parishioners halfway through the closing song, Fr. Jeremy Pritt set a new precedent on Sunday when, immediately after the final ecclesial prayer, he adopted the trademark layman walk-run-scuttle towards the giant mahogany procession doors. 

The coveted chocolate-with-sprinkles doughnut,
usually devoured in 47 seconds after closing prayer,
of which receptionist Mrs. Price inexplicably only
ever buys four, which Fr. Pritt enjoyed Sunday.
By the end of "The Mass has ended," Fr. Pritt had surreptitiously inched halfway to the exit. The words "Go in peace" had scarcely passed through his lips before he slid out the doors and skipped-ran to the reception hall, competitively outpacing 10-year-old Josh Gordon and 35-year-old Jeffery Hayes, who was pretending to answer an important call while striding in the direction of the doughnut table.

"I was tired of the whole doughnuts being gobbled up before I could make it there, and always getting stuck with the crappy Munchkins that no one likes. Who buys those anyway? They're like dough dipped in candle wax," said Fr. Pritt in a press release.  "Anyway, if I don't beat the traffic out of the parking lot I'll be stuck here for an extra ten minutes, which is in clear violation of my 1-hour plus 15 minutes travel time contract."

Inside sources claim that the behavior of parishioners was equally bizarre: approximately 95% stayed until the fourth verse of the closing hymn, and 53% stayed afterwards for personal prayer or to participate in community fellowship.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Post-Lent Catholic Reads Bible, Realizes 40 Days on Floor Was For Nothing

29 APR 2011

REPORTS of a local tragedy have surfaced in Raleigh, North Carolina. Isabel Conway, who, according to 400 witnesses, gave up her bed for Lent, recently stumbled upon the annual Ash Wednesday reading and noticed a passage she'd overlooked for the last 24 years: the entire Gospel reading.

"Jesus says that doing good things in front of everybody to get attention don't count any more," says 10-year-old biblical scholar Jason Henderson, who put down his coloring book to listen to the priest for 3 minutes on Ash Wednesday this year.

"It's really tragic," said his mother, Jenny.  "I know how hard it was for Isabel to sleep on nothing but a blanket on the floor for 40 days - she would mention it every time we shook hands for the Sign of Peace."

She sighed. "It's a shame it didn't actually count for anything."

The 24-year-old graduate student, who often tells her friends she wishes people didn't think she was such a saint just because she loses sleep to serve others and prays constantly, noticed something odd when preparing a first grade Sunday School class.

"I was supposed to summarize the gospel passage," says Conway.  "And then I noticed Jesus kept saying that you should do holy things in secret, over and over and over.  And I thought, maybe something's there."

Conway's long-awaited bed, with goose down comforter
that served for floor for 40 days.
"This year for Lent, I slept on the floor for forty days," she continued. "It was super hard, but it was really great when people replied to my status updates telling me that I was the best Catholic they knew.  It almost made the excruciating discomfort of construction-grade rug a little more bearable.  Not to say that it was easy, because it was super hard, and uncomfortable, and one time I found this really gross spider 6 inches from my face, but it was nice to get some recognition.  You know?  But yeah, then I found this reading they "apparently" do every year and got really scared that I won't have added any bricks to my heavenly mansion. How scary is that?"

"She's really worried," confirmed her four housemates solemnly. "She said she expected 20,000 square feet of that sucker by now but now who knows if it'll even have a pool?"

In repentance, Conway has reportedly begun attending the parish's weekly Adoration hour to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet out loud in three languages.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Victoria's Secret Researches St. Valentine, Demands New Name for Holiday

     Last month, Victoria's Secret embarked on a hot new ad campaign to gear up for the annual bra blowout sale near Valentine's Day, focusing on "spicing up" Valentine herself to really capture the spirit of the day.  They were scandalized to learn not only that Valentine was a saint and martyr, but was also a priest.

     This morning, they filed a lawsuit to change the holiday's name.
The puzzling namesake of Valentine's Day
     "We are deeply disappointed in how fully the name "Valentine's Day" misses the spirit of the holiday," said one Victoria's Secret spokesperson. "What in the world does a saint have to do with our new Love Me Sexy line?  Seventeen hundred years of history have clearly missed the point of what it means to love somebody, which must have at least something to do with a Victoria's Angel pin-up or a 40-year-old's desire to appear 19.

     "It's clearly time to give Valentine's Day a more accurate name."

     St. Valentine, who was martyred in the 3rd century for marrying Christian couples who were being persecuted under Claudius Gothicus in Rome, became associated with the sacrament of marriage that evolved into Chaucer's association of Valentine's Day with stories of love.  This deeply puzzled the Victoria's Secret corporation, who clamored to find a way to make St. Valentine's story somehow fit with the Love Push-Up Collection. 

     "We are totally at a loss," said graphic designer Dennis Holloway.  "How is it that no one realized how off-base the name of this holiday is?  We were ready to find out that Valentine wasn't all that pretty, or even that she was a pudgy naked baby angel - anything but this.  This is something you can't airbrush away."

     Although Victoria's Secret efforts have galvanized the American public, the small factions of resistant Catholics tried to stay optimistic. "At least they actually did some research," said Joe Brown of Catholic University.  "I was sure that like St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, and the word "break-fast," corporate America had completely stripped St. Valentine's Day of its Catholic heritage... if people are angry, at least they're talking."

     Victoria's Secret released a list of suggestions for new names, including "Day of Lingerie," "Love Me Day" and, their favored pick, "Heidi Klum's Day."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

12-year-old Fiend Responsible for 50% of Missouri's Unrecognized Saints

18 JAN 2011

     A research committee was launched last October to explore causal factors in unrecognized sainthood, otherwise known as "little s saints."  Missouri researchers were able to narrow down a kind of ripple effect that appeared to be emanating from the dead center of the state; further research revealed the frequency of the waves increased exponentially between two locations: a St. Louis Catholic school, and a suburban home less than five miles away.

     "It seems we have actually narrowed down the causal factors of unrecognized sainthood to a single prepubescent child," said researcher Harold Greenspan.  "Casey Jones, also known as 'The Terror,' 'That Boy,' or, simply, 'Him.'"

Concentric circles of sainthood focus around Jones' home, school 
     Interviews with schoolteachers confirmed researchers' suspicions.  "I make it through five decades [of the rosary] on any given day I teach him," said Mrs. Albright, a kindly lady of 63.  "I always think 'maybe I just need a few Hail Mary's today,' because I try to stay optimistic.

     "And then he walks through the door."

     Jones has been to the principal's office no less than 32 times, for offenses ranging from cursing out teachers, putting gum in Susie Goldberg's hair, pulling the fire alarm on 9 different occasions, and actually trying to light the school on fire using only a magnifying glass.  He had a small pile of leaves successfully ignited out back before Anthony Stein tattle-taled.

     "The boy just needs some caring direction," said Principal Kurt Walker calmly, whose application for professorship at Duke Divinity, which took weeks to complete, was drowned in the Missouri River.  "You never know the whole story on these things.  St. Augustine stole pears in his youth, just as Mr. Jones steals hopes and dreams.  Perhaps with some time and prayer Casey Jones, too, will become a Doctor of the Church."

     Dozens of Missouri residents have reported offering up their Jones-related sufferings, usually at the behest of his tearful mother.  Hugo "Huge-O Fat Boy" Rosa reports 165 instances of verbal abuse where he prayed, repeatedly,  "May God have mercy on his soul."  Sister Helen-Marie, whose class songbird was fed to Jones' cat, spent an extra 20 hours per week in Adoration for the remainder of the year. 

     "It appears that the small fiend is actually responsible for many in Missouri finding their path to sainthood," said researcher Greenspan.

     "It is possible that, in bringing so many souls in union with Christ in sainthood, Mr. Jones may himself be up for canonization one day."


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Sunday, January 16, 2011

93% of Youth Ministers Can Bilocate, New Study Finds

16 JAN 2011

Youth minister simultaneously attends benefit dinner, plays retreat hide-and-seek

     A nonpartisan study on youth ministers' wages and workload was recently released to Economy Today.  What the study found was unprecedented.

     "We actually learned that 93% of youth ministers have multi-tasked to such an extent that they have actually exceeded the speed of light barrier and managed to actually be two places at once," said Bob Richards of the Edith Stein Institute for Independent Research.

     Bilocation, the ability to be in two places at once, has reported occurrences in the lives of saints such as Padre Pio, St. Anthony of Padua, and St. Ambrose of Milan.  It is considered an extremely rare gift of the spirit granted only to the most longsuffering and charismatic souls.

     "Well, the old saints never had to deal with a room full of 100 high schoolers, another room full of 200 parents, Confirmation classes, and a retreat planning committee all scheduled in the same hour," said one youth minister, who declined to be named.

     The trend was first discovered while one researcher was chatting with a group of 10th graders pursuing Confirmation.  They commented on a very hilarious skit put on by one Mr. Gordon, their youth minister, at 7pm the Sunday night before. The researcher suddenly realized that he had been speaking to some parishioners earlier that day who commented on Mr. Gordon's "unbelievably delicious" chocolate chip brownies he brought to the parish council meeting, also scheduled at 7pm that Sunday.  The researcher asked around and found that parishioners consistently reported that the youth minister was in two places at once throughout the entire day.

     "I kept wondering why he looked so exhausted," said Julie Smith, wife of Theodore "Tedster" Smith, youth minister at Holy Trinity parish.  "He would go to bed at 9PM sharp and wake up 9 hours later looking like he hadn't slept a wink."

     Turned out, Mr. Smith hadn't slept a wink.  While sleeping, he was actually still in the parish office, poring over details of an upcoming high school retreat.

     "Once we knew what we were looking for, we found the trend was endemic," said Richards.  "We conducted a close analysis of 500 different youth ministers and found that 465 of them had been reported being in two places at once."

     "We have been aware of the excessively high rate of bilocation among youth ministers for several years," says one top Vatican official.  "We kept it quiet to make sure individuals were seeking a career in ministry for the sake of God's plan, and not for the prestige of sainthood."

     When calculating bilocation into the hours put into an average workweek, the 60 hour workweek doubles to 120 hours. The average youth minister makes around $30,000 per year.

     This works out to about $4.81 per hour.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Pope John Paul II Still The Anti-Christ, Evangelical Right Insists

15 JAN 2011

     Faith groups have been buzzing since Pope Benedict XVI's announcement yesterday that Pope John Paul II will be beatified, the last step before sainthood, this May.

     Despite his passing five years ago, the Evangelical Right continues their 3-decade-long tradition of insisting that he is the Anti-Christ.

     "I don't care what you say, he's still the Anti-Christ," said John White, 40, of West Virginia.  "I believed it for 33 years and I ain't gonna stop believin now.  Just because he's dead don't mean nothing.  He still said Buddhists and Gandhi and Muslims and Jews could maybe get to heaven, and that has 'Anti-Christ' written all over it. It's just like Left Behind.

     "1 John chapter 4 verses 2 to 3," he added, which identifies the anti-Christ as one who does not acknowledge Jesus as God in Flesh.

     This Catholic Onion reporter pointed out that Pope John Paul II pushed for perpetual adoration of the Eucharist, which is believed to be God enfleshed in Christ's Presence, in every Catholic parish in the world.

     Moreover, three verses after White's citation it reads, "Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God, but everyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love," which embodies Pope John Paul II's theology.

      "You just wait," said White's wife, Betty Jo, changing the subject.  "In 2012 the world's gonna end and that False Prophet is gonna be standing right next to Satan and the Muslims and the Catholics. It's just like Pat Robertson told them Catholic Haitians after that earthquake - they deserved it 'cuz they made a pact with the devil. Catholics and Muslims make pacts with the devil, and they made pacts with the pope, so that obviously means the pope is the devil."

     The announcement of Pope John Paul II's beatification followed the verified miraculous healing of Sister Marie-Simon-Pierre of Parkinsons Disease after she prayed for his intercession. The nun prayed for healing after four years of suffering, and awoke the following morning with all signs of the disease gone.

     "Even demons can heal people, Mark chapter 3 verse 22," said Gary, John's brother, citing when Pharisees accused Jesus of healing with the power of Satan.  "Could be he just pretended to die and now he's using his witchcraft.  Anyway, who even says this lady was healed?  Doctors with their un-Christian science?  I know one thing for sure, if the Catholic Church says it's true you know Satan's behind it. He's the Anti-Christ for sure, and this beety-cation proves it.

     "Robertson episode 113 line 52."