Tuesday, January 18, 2011

12-year-old Fiend Responsible for 50% of Missouri's Unrecognized Saints

18 JAN 2011


     A research committee was launched last October to explore causal factors in unrecognized sainthood, otherwise known as "little s saints."  Missouri researchers were able to narrow down a kind of ripple effect that appeared to be emanating from the dead center of the state; further research revealed the frequency of the waves increased exponentially between two locations: a St. Louis Catholic school, and a suburban home less than five miles away.

     "It seems we have actually narrowed down the causal factors of unrecognized sainthood to a single prepubescent child," said researcher Harold Greenspan.  "Casey Jones, also known as 'The Terror,' 'That Boy,' or, simply, 'Him.'"

Concentric circles of sainthood focus around Jones' home, school 
     Interviews with schoolteachers confirmed researchers' suspicions.  "I make it through five decades [of the rosary] on any given day I teach him," said Mrs. Albright, a kindly lady of 63.  "I always think 'maybe I just need a few Hail Mary's today,' because I try to stay optimistic.

     "And then he walks through the door."

     Jones has been to the principal's office no less than 32 times, for offenses ranging from cursing out teachers, putting gum in Susie Goldberg's hair, pulling the fire alarm on 9 different occasions, and actually trying to light the school on fire using only a magnifying glass.  He had a small pile of leaves successfully ignited out back before Anthony Stein tattle-taled.

     "The boy just needs some caring direction," said Principal Kurt Walker calmly, whose application for professorship at Duke Divinity, which took weeks to complete, was drowned in the Missouri River.  "You never know the whole story on these things.  St. Augustine stole pears in his youth, just as Mr. Jones steals hopes and dreams.  Perhaps with some time and prayer Casey Jones, too, will become a Doctor of the Church."

     Dozens of Missouri residents have reported offering up their Jones-related sufferings, usually at the behest of his tearful mother.  Hugo "Huge-O Fat Boy" Rosa reports 165 instances of verbal abuse where he prayed, repeatedly,  "May God have mercy on his soul."  Sister Helen-Marie, whose class songbird was fed to Jones' cat, spent an extra 20 hours per week in Adoration for the remainder of the year. 

     "It appears that the small fiend is actually responsible for many in Missouri finding their path to sainthood," said researcher Greenspan.

     "It is possible that, in bringing so many souls in union with Christ in sainthood, Mr. Jones may himself be up for canonization one day."

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