Priest Leaves Mass Early To Get Whole Doughnut, Beat Traffic

24 MAY 2011

The blogosphere has been buzzing the past few days over the unprecedented decision of a Chicago-area priest that some say marks the shifting of a cultural tide. After years of watching the mass exodus of parishioners halfway through the closing song, Fr. Jeremy Pritt set a new precedent on Sunday when, immediately after the final ecclesial prayer, he adopted the trademark layman walk-run-scuttle towards the giant mahogany procession doors. 

The coveted chocolate-with-sprinkles doughnut,
usually devoured in 47 seconds after closing prayer,
of which receptionist Mrs. Price inexplicably only
ever buys four, which Fr. Pritt enjoyed Sunday.

By the end of "The Mass has ended," Fr. Pritt had surreptitiously inched halfway to the exit. The words "Go in peace" had scarcely passed through his lips before he slid out the doors and skipped-ran to the reception hall, competitively outpacing 10-year-old Josh Gordon and 35-year-old Jeffery Hayes, who was pretending to answer an important call while striding in the direction of the doughnut table.

"I was tired of the whole doughnuts being gobbled up before I could make it there, and always getting stuck with the crappy Munchkins that no one likes. Who buys those anyway? They're like dough dipped in candle wax," said Fr. Pritt in a press release.  "Anyway, if I don't beat the traffic out of the parking lot I'll be stuck here for an extra ten minutes, which is in clear violation of my 1-hour plus 15 minutes travel time contract."

Inside sources claim that the behavior of parishioners was equally bizarre: approximately 95% stayed until the fourth verse of the closing hymn, and 53% stayed afterwards for personal prayer or to participate in community fellowship.