17 June 2011
Medical experts confirmed today what members of St. Francis Xavier parish in Purcellville, VA, have long suspected: the unidentified child of the woman who sits three rows from the back at the 11 AM Mass has lungs approximately the size of that of a 40-year-old Vancouver Canucks fan.
"It's remarkable, really," commented Dr. Ross Goodwin, gazing at the X-Rays. "These lungs, combined with the child's unusually tenuous vocal cords, have prepared this human being at one year to be heard from a half mile away."
The child, whom Fr. Yaszick describes as possessing "impeccable timing", systematically bursts into animalistic howls at the most reverent points in the Mass. "He usually starts just as we enter into silent prayer after the consecration," noted Deacon Frank Palvone. "Although sometimes he prefers to aim for the highlight of the best sermons or, once, began immediately before the "Gloria" so that the whole choir was thrown off key for the entire song."
"Really, I'm more impressed than anything," he added.
The mother could not be reached for comment. As of press time, she had still not made arrangements to use the parish's donation-only day care service.
